Tag Archives: dating

Should You Lower Your Standards? 

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RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM A SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE – by Diana Lang

When it comes to relationships, we all have our standards. Standards are those ethical principles that we navigate our lives by. They are a kind of personal code by which we make choices, decisions and intentions. Fundamentally, they are the ideals that we hold dearest to our hearts. They are essential personal covenants that shape how we live our lives, determine what’s important to us, and effectively direct our motivation and direction. Our standards are foundational to every single thing we do.

The thing about standards, though, is everyone’s are different! By holding ourselves to our standards, we cannot help but hold others to them too. But because everyone has slightly – or radically – different ones, we can get in trouble when we try to impose our standards onto someone else.

In a relationship, having congruous standards are important. It is said that the single most important component that allows a relationship to last is similar philosophy. Our standards are based on our philosophies. They are corresponding and interconnected. Everything else can be different between a couple: where we come from, how much money we have, the color of our skin, our ages, our interests, but if our standards are in conflict, then there will eventually be philosophical differences that can become an immense obstacle to sustaining the relationship. 

This is why couples often find natural compatibility with a partner that comes from a similar religious faith, or from the same country, or even neighborhood! Where we come from influences and shape our standards. We are often naturally attracted to someone who inherently harmonizes with these standards . . .

. . . or, we can be attracted to the opposite.

If we are with someone who has different standards, and especially lower ones than ours, this can be very destructive. It can bring out the worst in us, instead of the best in us. If the discrepancy is great, it can turn out to be a match not made in heaven. This can do a lot of damage to our confidence and erode those things we hold paramount. If we start to doubt our own standards and lower them, each individual, and the relationship itself, will slowly be degraded. We can begin to doubt our core beliefs and values, and gradually, eventually, like the way water must flow downhill, our standards will devolve.

You never want to step down to someone’s lower standards. A standard is an ideal, something that we reach for and aspire to. And, if our standards are lessened because we are afraid to hold them up, then the relationship will suffer for lack of principle, and lack of depth. It will feel empty.

The good news is that we can evoke a higher standard from our partner. When we hold our standard up, they get to step up to it – or step out of it. Don’t let anyone stem your spirit or your principles. By holding to your higher standard, everyone will be better for it. When we hold to our standards we are actually offering our partner an opportunity to grow. By raising the bar in a relationship we all grow. By lowering our standards, we are diminished.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION www.DianaLang.com

First published for the Huffington Post.

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…But He’s Got Potential!

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(Reprinted from the Huffington Post)

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FOR WOMEN FROM A SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE

Portrait of smiling young couple in sunlight

 

“Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.”  ~Wolfgang Riebe

 

Everyone has potential. We are born with it.

But the big question is will we live up to it? Will we meet it?

Just because we have potential doesn’t mean we will express it in our life.

As women, one of the very best qualities we have is that we can see the best in people. We can sense what a person is capable of. This is an incredibly significant sensitivity. As a mother, for instance, it’s important to see our children’s potential. We want to help them foster and cultivate it to help them realize their potential in the world.

But when we take this skill into the dating arena, this very same ability may not always be in our best interest…and it can sometimes even prove to be our greatest downfall. Because we can sense what our partner is capable of, we may be too quick to throw all our eggs in that heart-basket whether that potential will ever be actualized or not.

We can sense that potential right there, just beneath the surface. But because of woundings from childhood, or just plain being thwarted by life, our partner may leave their most valuable gifts unexpressed, laying dormant in their inner-diamond-heart like hidden buried treasure.

We can fool ourselves out of our need or desperation and develop a fantasy about our man that seems, and feels true, but is not actually realizing. We may gloss over what we hope our partner can be, rather than what he actually is. We can even fall in love with his potential.

That inner part of you that is aware knows all of this though, and this is what you must call on as you navigate the dating minefields of love. It’s important to stay awake to reality, especially in a new relationship, and especially if you find yourself head-over-heels in love, where it’s easy to lose all sight of shore.

In life, and especially in regard to men, the proof is in the pudding. This means, it is by his action that you can discern his potential-into-reality-ratio. For example, when there is a problem or a challenge, what does he actually do? Does he show up? Does he keep his word? Do his words match his actions? Does he admit when he’s wrong? When he fails, does he try again? Does he do what he says? The answers to these questions are the beginnings of perceiving a man’s character and sense of purpose.

It’s pretty straight forward, really. For a man leads by his action. What he does doIS what he is thinking and feeling. So, if he is not doing something, if he is not showing up, if he isn’t coming through, then that IS how he feels. His actions will show you.

There is an old saying that says: behind every great man is a great woman. A man needs someone to believe in him. That is how his best will shine forth. It’s important to help your man realize his potential. That potential IS there. But it’s equally important that he lives up to it. That he shows you. That he tries.

And yes, many people have not yet fully realized their potential; it is a work in progress, is it not? However, it will still be being implemented in some way. Actionswill be being taken. Real efforts will be being made, with real results.

So, let him show you. Let him prove it. And while he is showing it to you, he will prove it to himself.

And, of course, we all need to ask ourselves the same question. Am I living up to my full potential?

From a spiritual perspective, not only do we need to live up to our potential; it is our responsibility to. It is a spiritual imperative. None of this is predicated on success, of course. It isn’t about winning, or making the most money, or getting an Oscar, though of course, you may. It is about living your life with passion and compassion, with creativity and curiosity, and letting that beautiful inner diamond within you be expressed, some way, somehow!

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of
OPENING TO MEDITATION – www.DianaLang.com

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The Power of Telling the Truth

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divine marriage

 

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM
A SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE

It can be scary to tell our partner how we really feel sometimes. Out of politeness, embarrassment, shyness, avoidance, or just not wanting to hurt their feelings, we can find ourselves not sharing our innermost feelings. We may find ourselves inhibiting and censoring our truest, deepest worries and fears with the people we love the most. And, our relationships will suffer for it – from the lack of depth, from lack of real connection, and from the shear superficiality of inauthenticity.

Here is a spiritual rule of thumb: the more someone matters to you, the more you owe them your Truth.

But, what is our truth?

Truth is how you actually feel. Not how you are supposed to feel. Not what society says you should feel, or how you think you should feel. It is what you do feel – in your heart. For in our hearts, we all know what those truths are.

When I am talking with a client and they tell me how they really feel, I will ask them if they have shared this with their partner, and invariably they will say, “Well, I can’t say that, can I?”

And I answer: Yes, of course you can.

And you need to.

If you want your relationship to deepen and grow, then you have to trust the love that the relationship is built on. You need to bet on love. Even, in the worse case scenario, if you discover that the relationship cannot handle deeper feelings, then that’s good information to know. It tells you something of the depth and durability of the love. So, you really have nothing to lose in finding this out. And, potentially, everything to gain.

But how do we speak these fragile vulnerabilities, these hurts and pains, when our fear is that if we do, it will just make things worse?

This brings us to another spiritual principle, which is: the truth will make you free. Truth is a precious commodity. Your innocent and uncensored truth, the truth of your heart, is valuable to your relationship. By telling the truth to your partner, you are opening up the possibility for more intimacy in your relationship.

So often, this can be difficult. We can be afraid to say the most important things in our heart for fear of being rejected or abandoned. We can be afraid that they will never understand.

How you share your truth is a delicate matter. People’s feelings can and do get hurt. It’s hard to hear that there may be a difference of opinion or a problem. But not sharing your truth doesn’t allow anything to change at all.

So, how do you share your feelings without hurting, scaring, or upsetting your partner?

The answer is by expressing your truth in vulnerability.

You need to be vulnerable so your partner can hear you. Otherwise, they likely will feel attacked, disparaged, unvalued, belittled, criticized, and mostly, unloved.

So, how we say it really MATTERS. I’m not saying you should be manipulative or strategic – I mean the opposite, in fact. I am saying to speak your vulnerable truth without righteousness or design, without tactic or need to win, but simply, to speak your unguarded, vulnerable, ever-loving truth.

Which means, speak your truth with love.

– Because truth by itself can be brutal and without mercy.

 – And, love by itself can be too tolerant, ambiguous, and possibly codependent.

When you put these two principles together, truth plus love, you have power. Now your truth makes an arrow that pierces through, to the heart of the matter – safely – because it is founded on love. You then are gifting your partner with loving truth.It’s like lancing a wound. Now, it can heal.

This is not so easy to do. It takes courage – heart courage – partly because we have to first face our own demons and realize what we really feel, and how we really feel. We must take ourselves into our internal laboratory and be really, reallyhonest with ourselves. By doing this, we are taking responsibility for what our own truth is, without blaming, without harming, and without rancor. It is simply how we feel.

By looking at ourselves first – with compassion – we can begin to heal our lives and everyone in our lives.

Because from a spiritual perspective, when one person gets it, everyone can get it.

We all benefit from your inner awareness. We are all healed by truth.
And, the truth will make us all free.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of
OPENING TO MEDITATION – www.DianaLang.com

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A little interview on the feminine/masculine principle – Transitioning from work to relationship

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227032188-honeymoon-trip-passion-in-love-stroking

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Warmer, Warmer

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warmer, warmer

 

 

 

 

HOW TO MOVE ON AFTER YOU HEART IS BROKEN
and fall in love again…

The first thing we are confronted with after a breakup is the plain old shock of it. We are literally gobsmacked. We find ourselves standing with our mouths open and arms hanging limply by our sides wondering what in the world just happened? Heartbreak can occur after six months in a relationship or many years! Breaking up hurts — and it hurts — bad. And there is just no way of getting around that fact.

After a breakup we can feel like we have failed. We feel unworthy and unlovable. We can worry that we’ll never be with anyone. Our worst fear is that there is no one out there for us. But I would counter that you just haven’t found each other yet.

There is a game that we played as kids called “Warmer, Warmer,” where one person hides an object while the other one has to find it. As the seeker gets closer to the object you say, “Warmer, warmer! As they get farther from it, you say, “Cooler, cooler.” If they start moving farther from it you say, “Cold as ice! Cold as the arctic! Frozen as the freezer!” But, if they are standing right next to it, you yell, “You are hot! You are on fire! You’re burning up!” until finally the seeker touches the hidden object.

Breaking up can be like that. When we meet someone and we fall in love, it’s definitely a warmer, warmer moment. It might not be the exact right person yet, but we are getting closer. These relationships along the way help us grow and learn. So, even though it does hurt, this different way of looking at it may help you let go and move on more easily, not looking at the breakup as a mistake, but rather a step along the path.

As the old adage says, when one door closes another one opens. This is important to remember, because in those first days and weeks while you are reeling and refinding your balance again, you can hang on to that phrase like a lifeline. It may not give much solace at first, but it is a spiritual truth, and remembering this will steady you. Natural law says: nature abhors a vacuum. Meaning, once you are truly able to release the old relationship, new love can find you again.

Finally, every relationship defines better and better what you want and don’t want in a partner. Every time you engage with someone — even just one date — you learn a little more about yourself and what matters to you. All of this will help you recognize your true partner that moment when you meet.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION  www.DianaLang.com 
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Let Yourself Love Again

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fall down 7

(reposted from the Huffington Post)

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a wonderful Japanese proverb that says: Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

In life, we get many chances, many opportunities, many do-overs. When we’ve been hurt, abandoned, embarrassed or ashamed, we can be left feeling as though we are on our proverbial knees. It’s hard to care or even want to try again. We become apathetic, indifferent, numb or hard. We are tired. We get beat up in love and just don’t want to bother. Teenagers say it best in that slangy, twangy way, and with a dramatic roll of the eyes, “what…ever.” These hurt feelings can get buried deep in our bones, and over time, a deep sense of resignation can begin to apply to everything, especially our hearts.

And it’s our hearts especially, because this is where we are the most vulnerable. More than almost any other subject, love is where it hurts most, because it’s personal.

We never want to be in that position again. We say, “I am never going to open my heart up again like that to anyone!“ And then, we don’t.

And there we are.

Alone.

So, how do you open your heart again, knowing full well that you could get hurt?

Love is vulnerable. And vulnerability feels, well, vulnerable! It must, or it would cease to actually be vulnerable. There is just no getting around this part of it. To open our hearts, we need to take our guards down – and be vulnerable. If we don’t our lives will suffer for it.

And, if somehow, we do manage to get into a relationship with our hearts closed and guarded, the relationship will suffer for it. Our partner will complain that they can’t reach us, that we’re not really there. Because we’re not.

If you close your heart off to love, you are basically closing your heart off to life, too. You can’t close off love in just one place. It will be global. Every part of your life will be affected.

From a spiritual perspective it is ALL about love. It’s only about love – the love of our family, our friends, our neighbors, our enemies, and most importantly, ourselves.

So, you have to take the risk, right? You have to know going in that you likelycould, and maybe will, get your heart broken. And still, be willing to love again.

That’s love in action.

That’s falling down seven times, getting up eight.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION – www.DianaLang.com

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Should I Date More than One Person at a Time?

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reprinted from the Huffington Post

  • DATING ADVICE FROM A SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE

dating many men

“Should I date more than one person at a time?” we wonder. “Wouldn’t it open up the field if I dated several people?” Even though there is some merit in this question, at least in the beginning of dating, soon you would discover that the answer is unequivocally, NO.

There is a wise old adage that says: The eagle that chases two rabbits catches none.

The statisticians of the world, of course, would say that this is an odds issue, and the more, the merrier! More chances equal more possibilities of success, right?

Wrong. That’s what the carnies of the world would tell you too, as you attempt for the umpteenth time to throw the ping-pong ball into the fishbowl. It is a scam of the ego.

Still, logic would seem to dictate: the more fishing lines I throw out there, the more fish I could catch.

But, what kind of fish would you catch?

The answer is: The same kind.

This is how energy works!

Like attracts like.

What if you want to find “the One?”

You are not going to catch a mermaid or merman with many lures. You have to evoke them out of this great, grand sea of the world. Yes, there may be many fish in the sea, but you are only looking for one! And, not just any one, but The One.

Just as in looking for a job, sending out a hundred resumes won’t land you a position if you believe there are no jobs out there. A thousand resumes won’t change the outcome of what you already believe. But if you believe there are many jobs out there, and you are a rare talent, you may be surprised to discover that the next time you go to your local café, that you find yourself sitting next to the CEO of the big, new health food store in town, the one that coincidentally happens to be looking for a marketing person . . . and there you are!

When we consciously visualize, and know our partner is coming – he will.
If you truly believe he is not, then you will also be right – he’s not coming.

Multiple-dating is like shooting buckshot. This desperate and random aim scatters, producing many apparent options. But all that this haphazard action does is just take up your time and delay the outcome.

Certainly, by putting ourselves out there, we will probably attract someone, but wouldn’t you rather attract that special someone? Wouldn’t you like to attract your soul partner who is also looking for you?

It seems tempting to believe that more volume will give more opportunity. And it is true, more volume does attract . . . but here is the important thing to remember: it attracts more of the same thing.

Here are the 3 steps to practice for finding your true soul partner.

       1. EVOKE – From the core of your innermost self, call your partner to you – soul to soul.

       2. VISUALIZE – In your mind’s eye, see him coming. Know he is on his way.

       3. RECOGNIZE – Know that you will meet each other easily and effortlessly, and that you will immediately recognize each other. And when he does show up, don’t second-guess it. Recognize him!

This is about love, right? Not about finding company. We can all find someone to spend time with, but not necessarily someone whom we really want to share our lives with. Yes, we might be able to find someone that can blend into our lives – but real love – real love – transcends all of this. It is spiritual recognition.

Spiritual intention is very focused. It is conscious. It is an evocation. It is a literal calling on spirit to match us up, soul to soul.

By calling in your soul partner, he will show up into your life like a magic trick. You will find yourself saying, “I’m not sure how it happened; he just showed up at the door . . .

. . . and, it was love at first sight.”

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION www.DianaLang.com Follow Diana Lang on Twitter:

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