Tag Archives: relationships

…But He’s Got Potential!

Leave a reply

(Reprinted from the Huffington Post)

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FOR WOMEN FROM A SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE

Portrait of smiling young couple in sunlight

 

“Everyone is gifted, but some people never open their package.”  ~Wolfgang Riebe

 

Everyone has potential. We are born with it.

But the big question is will we live up to it? Will we meet it?

Just because we have potential doesn’t mean we will express it in our life.

As women, one of the very best qualities we have is that we can see the best in people. We can sense what a person is capable of. This is an incredibly significant sensitivity. As a mother, for instance, it’s important to see our children’s potential. We want to help them foster and cultivate it to help them realize their potential in the world.

But when we take this skill into the dating arena, this very same ability may not always be in our best interest…and it can sometimes even prove to be our greatest downfall. Because we can sense what our partner is capable of, we may be too quick to throw all our eggs in that heart-basket whether that potential will ever be actualized or not.

We can sense that potential right there, just beneath the surface. But because of woundings from childhood, or just plain being thwarted by life, our partner may leave their most valuable gifts unexpressed, laying dormant in their inner-diamond-heart like hidden buried treasure.

We can fool ourselves out of our need or desperation and develop a fantasy about our man that seems, and feels true, but is not actually realizing. We may gloss over what we hope our partner can be, rather than what he actually is. We can even fall in love with his potential.

That inner part of you that is aware knows all of this though, and this is what you must call on as you navigate the dating minefields of love. It’s important to stay awake to reality, especially in a new relationship, and especially if you find yourself head-over-heels in love, where it’s easy to lose all sight of shore.

In life, and especially in regard to men, the proof is in the pudding. This means, it is by his action that you can discern his potential-into-reality-ratio. For example, when there is a problem or a challenge, what does he actually do? Does he show up? Does he keep his word? Do his words match his actions? Does he admit when he’s wrong? When he fails, does he try again? Does he do what he says? The answers to these questions are the beginnings of perceiving a man’s character and sense of purpose.

It’s pretty straight forward, really. For a man leads by his action. What he does doIS what he is thinking and feeling. So, if he is not doing something, if he is not showing up, if he isn’t coming through, then that IS how he feels. His actions will show you.

There is an old saying that says: behind every great man is a great woman. A man needs someone to believe in him. That is how his best will shine forth. It’s important to help your man realize his potential. That potential IS there. But it’s equally important that he lives up to it. That he shows you. That he tries.

And yes, many people have not yet fully realized their potential; it is a work in progress, is it not? However, it will still be being implemented in some way. Actionswill be being taken. Real efforts will be being made, with real results.

So, let him show you. Let him prove it. And while he is showing it to you, he will prove it to himself.

And, of course, we all need to ask ourselves the same question. Am I living up to my full potential?

From a spiritual perspective, not only do we need to live up to our potential; it is our responsibility to. It is a spiritual imperative. None of this is predicated on success, of course. It isn’t about winning, or making the most money, or getting an Oscar, though of course, you may. It is about living your life with passion and compassion, with creativity and curiosity, and letting that beautiful inner diamond within you be expressed, some way, somehow!

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of
OPENING TO MEDITATION – www.DianaLang.com

Leave a reply

The Power of Telling the Truth

2 Replies

divine marriage

 

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE FROM
A SPIRITUAL PERSPECTIVE

It can be scary to tell our partner how we really feel sometimes. Out of politeness, embarrassment, shyness, avoidance, or just not wanting to hurt their feelings, we can find ourselves not sharing our innermost feelings. We may find ourselves inhibiting and censoring our truest, deepest worries and fears with the people we love the most. And, our relationships will suffer for it – from the lack of depth, from lack of real connection, and from the shear superficiality of inauthenticity.

Here is a spiritual rule of thumb: the more someone matters to you, the more you owe them your Truth.

But, what is our truth?

Truth is how you actually feel. Not how you are supposed to feel. Not what society says you should feel, or how you think you should feel. It is what you do feel – in your heart. For in our hearts, we all know what those truths are.

When I am talking with a client and they tell me how they really feel, I will ask them if they have shared this with their partner, and invariably they will say, “Well, I can’t say that, can I?”

And I answer: Yes, of course you can.

And you need to.

If you want your relationship to deepen and grow, then you have to trust the love that the relationship is built on. You need to bet on love. Even, in the worse case scenario, if you discover that the relationship cannot handle deeper feelings, then that’s good information to know. It tells you something of the depth and durability of the love. So, you really have nothing to lose in finding this out. And, potentially, everything to gain.

But how do we speak these fragile vulnerabilities, these hurts and pains, when our fear is that if we do, it will just make things worse?

This brings us to another spiritual principle, which is: the truth will make you free. Truth is a precious commodity. Your innocent and uncensored truth, the truth of your heart, is valuable to your relationship. By telling the truth to your partner, you are opening up the possibility for more intimacy in your relationship.

So often, this can be difficult. We can be afraid to say the most important things in our heart for fear of being rejected or abandoned. We can be afraid that they will never understand.

How you share your truth is a delicate matter. People’s feelings can and do get hurt. It’s hard to hear that there may be a difference of opinion or a problem. But not sharing your truth doesn’t allow anything to change at all.

So, how do you share your feelings without hurting, scaring, or upsetting your partner?

The answer is by expressing your truth in vulnerability.

You need to be vulnerable so your partner can hear you. Otherwise, they likely will feel attacked, disparaged, unvalued, belittled, criticized, and mostly, unloved.

So, how we say it really MATTERS. I’m not saying you should be manipulative or strategic – I mean the opposite, in fact. I am saying to speak your vulnerable truth without righteousness or design, without tactic or need to win, but simply, to speak your unguarded, vulnerable, ever-loving truth.

Which means, speak your truth with love.

– Because truth by itself can be brutal and without mercy.

 – And, love by itself can be too tolerant, ambiguous, and possibly codependent.

When you put these two principles together, truth plus love, you have power. Now your truth makes an arrow that pierces through, to the heart of the matter – safely – because it is founded on love. You then are gifting your partner with loving truth.It’s like lancing a wound. Now, it can heal.

This is not so easy to do. It takes courage – heart courage – partly because we have to first face our own demons and realize what we really feel, and how we really feel. We must take ourselves into our internal laboratory and be really, reallyhonest with ourselves. By doing this, we are taking responsibility for what our own truth is, without blaming, without harming, and without rancor. It is simply how we feel.

By looking at ourselves first – with compassion – we can begin to heal our lives and everyone in our lives.

Because from a spiritual perspective, when one person gets it, everyone can get it.

We all benefit from your inner awareness. We are all healed by truth.
And, the truth will make us all free.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of
OPENING TO MEDITATION – www.DianaLang.com

2 Replies

Warmer, Warmer

4 Replies

warmer, warmer

 

 

 

 

HOW TO MOVE ON AFTER YOU HEART IS BROKEN
and fall in love again…

The first thing we are confronted with after a breakup is the plain old shock of it. We are literally gobsmacked. We find ourselves standing with our mouths open and arms hanging limply by our sides wondering what in the world just happened? Heartbreak can occur after six months in a relationship or many years! Breaking up hurts — and it hurts — bad. And there is just no way of getting around that fact.

After a breakup we can feel like we have failed. We feel unworthy and unlovable. We can worry that we’ll never be with anyone. Our worst fear is that there is no one out there for us. But I would counter that you just haven’t found each other yet.

There is a game that we played as kids called “Warmer, Warmer,” where one person hides an object while the other one has to find it. As the seeker gets closer to the object you say, “Warmer, warmer! As they get farther from it, you say, “Cooler, cooler.” If they start moving farther from it you say, “Cold as ice! Cold as the arctic! Frozen as the freezer!” But, if they are standing right next to it, you yell, “You are hot! You are on fire! You’re burning up!” until finally the seeker touches the hidden object.

Breaking up can be like that. When we meet someone and we fall in love, it’s definitely a warmer, warmer moment. It might not be the exact right person yet, but we are getting closer. These relationships along the way help us grow and learn. So, even though it does hurt, this different way of looking at it may help you let go and move on more easily, not looking at the breakup as a mistake, but rather a step along the path.

As the old adage says, when one door closes another one opens. This is important to remember, because in those first days and weeks while you are reeling and refinding your balance again, you can hang on to that phrase like a lifeline. It may not give much solace at first, but it is a spiritual truth, and remembering this will steady you. Natural law says: nature abhors a vacuum. Meaning, once you are truly able to release the old relationship, new love can find you again.

Finally, every relationship defines better and better what you want and don’t want in a partner. Every time you engage with someone — even just one date — you learn a little more about yourself and what matters to you. All of this will help you recognize your true partner that moment when you meet.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION  www.DianaLang.com 
Follow Diana Lang on Twitter:

4 Replies

Let Yourself Love Again

8 Replies
fall down 7

(reposted from the Huffington Post)

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is a wonderful Japanese proverb that says: Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

In life, we get many chances, many opportunities, many do-overs. When we’ve been hurt, abandoned, embarrassed or ashamed, we can be left feeling as though we are on our proverbial knees. It’s hard to care or even want to try again. We become apathetic, indifferent, numb or hard. We are tired. We get beat up in love and just don’t want to bother. Teenagers say it best in that slangy, twangy way, and with a dramatic roll of the eyes, “what…ever.” These hurt feelings can get buried deep in our bones, and over time, a deep sense of resignation can begin to apply to everything, especially our hearts.

And it’s our hearts especially, because this is where we are the most vulnerable. More than almost any other subject, love is where it hurts most, because it’s personal.

We never want to be in that position again. We say, “I am never going to open my heart up again like that to anyone!“ And then, we don’t.

And there we are.

Alone.

So, how do you open your heart again, knowing full well that you could get hurt?

Love is vulnerable. And vulnerability feels, well, vulnerable! It must, or it would cease to actually be vulnerable. There is just no getting around this part of it. To open our hearts, we need to take our guards down – and be vulnerable. If we don’t our lives will suffer for it.

And, if somehow, we do manage to get into a relationship with our hearts closed and guarded, the relationship will suffer for it. Our partner will complain that they can’t reach us, that we’re not really there. Because we’re not.

If you close your heart off to love, you are basically closing your heart off to life, too. You can’t close off love in just one place. It will be global. Every part of your life will be affected.

From a spiritual perspective it is ALL about love. It’s only about love – the love of our family, our friends, our neighbors, our enemies, and most importantly, ourselves.

So, you have to take the risk, right? You have to know going in that you likelycould, and maybe will, get your heart broken. And still, be willing to love again.

That’s love in action.

That’s falling down seven times, getting up eight.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION – www.DianaLang.com

8 Replies

The Value of Being Al-one

4 Replies

meditation4

When a relationship ends, there is a huge, empty space where it was. It can feel like a big, black hole. All that love, all that energy was pouring TO someone, and now they aren’t there. But the habit of outpouring still is.

Somehow, you need to turn that loving energy back towards yourself. This is not so easy to do, but it can be done! In fact, it can be the opportunity of a lifetime! Finally, you can have the time and the energy to fall in love with you. In order to do this, you must go inward, for this is where your Self is!

Going inward can feel like a daunting task. Our instinct is to go outward. We want to get away from the pain, our broken hearts, the loss. But of course, that is exactly what we must attend in order to heal ourselves, not abandon ourselves. We must come to our own rescue and love ourselves back to life.

To do this we need to create space for ourselves. Being alone can be powerful and healing. We can take this time of being alone to heal recent wounds, and while we’re at it, past ones, too. By allowing ourselves the time to know ourselves, to even linger there, we begin a process of self-love that will last for the rest of our lives.

In our society today, it can seem completely normal to fill up every single space with something. It is practically a taboo to not be busy. Busy-ness has come to mean worthiness, popularity, and success. I would counter it is simply unavailability. The world will try to convince you that you shouldn’t ever, ever be alone. Like alone is bad. Like alone is failure.

But alone is where your heart is. It is where YOU are. And, alone is where you will begin to really learn to love yourself for who you are — as you are.

By allowing yourself to be alone, you can cultivate a state of spaciousness. This internal posture of spaciousness opens the heart. It makes you available – because you are present. And this presence makes you available to every aspect of life, including new love.

In my book, Opening to Meditation, I offer this idea.

“Most of us don’t know how to be alone. We’re afraid of the dark outside when we’re little, and we’re afraid of the dark inside ourselves when we grow up. We learn to fill up all the dark spaces with TV and newspapers and drugs and busyness and anything else we can think of – anything not to be alone. But if you examine the word alone, you’ll see that it comes from the compound word all-one. There’s a big difference between the words alone and lonely.“

This is a powerful notion — that by being with ourselves, really with ourselves, we can gain our greatest insights and understanding. We can begin to truly learn and know ourselves. And, in time, we learn how to love ourselves — our true self — not only the persona that we go out into the world with, but that most real and fundamental part of us.

The ability to be alone is essential to eventually being in a relationship. It is our self-love that attracts a partner that is right for us. Being alone teaches us to accept ourselves, forgive ourselves, and finally to bloom ourselves open to love again.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION – www.DianaLang.com
Follow Diana Lang on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Diana Lang
To listen to more meditations, follow me on SoundCloud. https://soundcloud.com/diana_lang

4 Replies

Should I Lower My Standards? Relationship advice from a spiritual perspective

Leave a reply

STANDARD Norwegian_Royal_Standard_flag(reprinted from The Huffington Post.)

When it comes to relationships, we all have our standards. Standards are those ethical principles that we navigate our lives by. They are a kind of personal code by which we make choices, decisions and intentions. Fundamentally, they are the ideals that we hold dearest to our hearts. They are essential personal covenants that shape how we live our lives, determine what’s important to us, and effectively direct our motivation and direction. Our standards are foundational to every single thing we do.

The thing about standards, though, is everyone’s are different! By holding ourselves to our standards, we cannot help but hold others to them too. But because everyone has slightly — or radically — different ones, we can get in trouble when we try to impose our standards onto someone else.

In a relationship, congruous standards are important. It is said that the single most important component that allows a relationship to last is similar philosophy. Our standards are based on our philosophies. They are corresponding and interconnected. Everything else can be different between a couple: where we come from, how much money we have, the color of our skin, our ages, our interests, but if our standards are in conflict, then there will eventually be philosophical differences that can become an immense obstacle to sustaining the relationship.

This is why couples often find natural compatibility with a partner that comes from a similar religious faith, or from the same country, or even neighborhood! Where we come from influences and shape our standards. We are often naturally attracted to someone who inherently harmonizes with these standards…

Or, we can be attracted to the opposite.

If we are with someone who has different standards, and especially lower ones than ours, it can be very destructive. It can bring out the worst in us, instead of the best of us. If the discrepancy is great, it can turn out to be a match not made in heaven. This can do a lot of damage to our confidence and erode those things we hold paramount. If we start to doubt our own standards and lower them, each individual, and the relationship itself, will slowly be degraded. We can begin to doubt our core beliefs and values, and gradually, eventually, like the way water must flow downhill, our standards will devolve.

You never want to step down to someone’s lower standards. A standard is an ideal, something that we reach for and aspire to. And if our standards are lessened because we are afraid to hold them up, then the relationship will suffer for lack of principle, and lack of depth. It will feel empty.

The good news is that we can evoke a higher standard from our partner. When we hold our standard up, they get to step up to it — or step out of it. Don’t let anyone stem your spirit or your higher knowing. By holding to your higher standard, everyone will be better for it. When we hold to our standards we are actually offering our partner an opportunity to grow. By raising the bar in a relationship we all grow. By lowering our standards, we are diminished.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION — www.DianaLang.com Follow Diana Lang on Twitter:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diana-lang/should-you-lower-your-sta_b_9717278.html

 

Leave a reply

Save Space, Sacred Space – How to stay together

6 Replies

-Republished from the Huffington Post

When we first fall in love safe space just happens. At the beginning of a relationship we automatically develop this intimacy. Safe space is naturally occurring. We let our guard completely down. We are open. There is access, access, access — all the time — 24/7. We tell each other everything. We want to know everything about them, and we want them to know every-little-thing about us. These first intense, undefended, open, honest and vulnerable conversations begin to form the bond that is critical to the eventual longevity of the relationship.

Over time, this initial bonding gets deeper. Layer after layer of trust is established. Your relationship becomes solid like a mountain. It becomes sacred space.

Sacred space is that sacrosanct condition where two people come together in innocence and openness in the name of love. Anything can happen in this space. Anything can be said in this space. Anything can be forgiven in this space. And, everything can be held in this space. It is this safe, sacred space that allows our hearts to bond, unite, and become one. This is what marriage is in its ideal.

But, if it happens that this safe space is breached by broken trusts, harmful acts or words, or un-repaired misunderstandings and arguments, these relationship problems that normally could be worked out — are not worked out — and eventually, they can become unpredictable land mines that can blow us apart. An erosion of trust begins to occur by things like dishonesty, secrecy, duplicity, apathy, indifference, resentment, anger, etc.

Just as water can erode away a mountain over time, so too can the safe space of our relationship be worn away. If it gets bad enough, this erosion can become like the Grand Canyon. It becomes insurmountable with no possible way to reengage or reconcile, because there are so many hurt feelings, and so many unexpressed wounds of the heart. The distance becomes too great to bridge. We get psychologically beaten up, until finally, all we can do is pick up the broken pieces of our lives and limp away.

What stops the flow of vulnerability and trust in relationship are all those unspoken things. And, there can be so many unspoken things when we stop sharing. We stop telling each other every-little-thing. We begin to guard our hearts, and keep things from each other. We have little secrets about big things . . . and little things.

And sometimes, it’s the little things that can do the most damage. The old axiom of marriages breaking up because someone doesn’t put the toothpaste cap back on is a sad parable on Love Gone Wrong. We are arguing about nothing. But it’s really not nothing – it’s symbolic. The toothpaste cap becomes emblematic of all those little hurts and oversights that actually represent the growing distance and the widening chasm that is occurring in the relationship. It’s a warning.

This is dangerous territory. As the distance increases and our feelings get more and more hurt and sensitized, this dynamic can begin to ricochet, increasing in velocity, until it feels like we have created a chasm too wide to span.

So, now what do we do?

Somebody has to throw a line across the chasm or it will surely further fall apart. It doesn’t matter who is right or who is wrong. The one who is able to recognize the problem must be the first responder. Don’t wait until they do – they may never! Whoever is able to throw the first rope across the chasm — should. We have to put down our pride, or our need to be right, or our fear of rejection, and reach out anyway. Someone needs to start the conversation – and sooner than later. The more time that goes by disconnected, the harder it will be to reconnect.

The good news is, you can rebuild your safe space together. You can heal the breach and open your hearts to each other again. You can win back that lost territory by love and forgiveness, understanding and compassion. All you need to do is start the conversation – in vulnerability.

Vulnerability is the key. Otherwise, the chasm opens up all over again. In this safe space of openness and willingness you can start to repair the damage, build a new bridge, and anchor your love in an even deeper trust and vulnerability.

A successful relationship is based on trust, vulnerability, and intimacy. Creating safe space – sacred space – is how.

Where there is safe space there is humor, there is understanding, and most importantly there is forgiveness. Once sacred space is established, and then, protected, honored and respected, the love that is forged within that safe space can last a lifetime.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION 
Follow Diana Lang on Twitter: www.twitter.com/Diana Lang

6 Replies

MONEY and Love: How to Navigate the Nitty-Gritty of Finances in a Relationship

6 Replies

Love is greater than Money~ reposted from the Huffington Post

“Money can’t buy me love.” 
~The Beatles

How you handle your finances with your partner will tell you a lot about what kind of a relationship you have. Right away, you can know if it’s a generous relationship or a stingy one. Do you share your resources, pool them, or keep them separate? Do you share expenses mutually, or always keep a running tally in your head? These are important questions in a relationship. The bottom line, when it comes right down to it, is: how your partner is in relationship with their money is likely how they will be in relationship with you.

From a metaphysical perspective, everything is energy — even money — maybe, especially money! The way we spend it, save it, share it, or hide it, are all indicative of how we feel about abundance, or the lack thereof.

If you are paying attention, you can know right in the beginning of your romance what your partner’s relationship is with money. It is evident in everything they do. Unfortunately, we might not see these signs, because in our need to make the relationship work, we may overlook some of the most blatant signs.

Here’s the hard truth: if someone is stingy with the waiter, they will likely be stingy with you — maybe not right away, but eventually. As nice as things may appear, or as good as everything might look on paper, if you read between the lines, you can see, if you’ll look, what your partner’s financial philosophy is — and therefore where you may stand, too.

So, pay attention. Remember, it is not about how much money a person has, or spending money we don’t have, or being reckless with the money we do; it’s about the energy we have about it. It’s about our relationship with money. Is it selfish or unselfish – whatever amount we have.

And, of course, this works both ways. You need to examine your relationship with money too. Where do you stand on the subject of money? Is there never enough, or is there more than enough? I can tell you for sure that people will come to the same monetary conclusions over and over again, based on their fundamental financial philosophy, no matter how much they have, or don’t have.

Because it’s not about how much money you have. It’s about WHATEVER money there is. If it’s $5 or $500, $5,000 or $5,000,000 — it’s all the same. It’s our relationship with money that we’re talking about here. Are we miserly or charitable? A person can be as tight OR as generous over $5 as much as with $5,000. It is all relative.

And, if this person is going to be your relative, then it’s worth your time to observe their relationship with money. Are they calculating or magnanimous? Are they honest and ethical in their business dealings, or greedy and bending the rules? Does your partner save money, loan money, gamble money, or give money? If they give it, do they expect something in return?

Sigh… the return. This is the bottom line. In the grim, monetary, business-is-business world, the return on investment IS the bottom line. But in the world of relationship, it is the death knell. Love is not a business transaction. So beware the man (or woman) who thinks so.

Like in all things relationship, communication is the bridge for better financial relationship happiness. In a healthy relationship, there should not be any taboo subjects. Subjects that are off the table, tell you where the problems will be. If your partner won’t talk about money issues, there is a money issue. If they won’t talk about their mother, there are mother issues. Get it?

So, be aware. Money can be a difficult subject. People sometimes feel that they can keep it separate somehow, because it is about numbers. It seems black and white. But the very black-and-whiteness of this money perspective can be the literal measuring stick of how much we will let ourselves be connected to someone. Are we “all in” or not? Money is not a separate subject. It is a living demonstration and expression of how connected we can be!

Love is inherently generous. Love is sincerely unselfish. Love is wholly sharing, what little or much we may have. If money is where we draw the line, then that very line, describes the depth of what our relationship can be. And that, my friends, is the real bottom line.

Diana Lang is a spiritual teacher and author of OPENING TO MEDITATION -www.DianaLang.com

6 Replies